The Amazing Adventures of Liberal Man

Last week I wrote about one-upping the Joneses and conspicuous consumption to the Nth degree. It was about AMEX black cards and the latest in “rubbing it in your face” just how wealthy you are. Well, as it turns out, not to be outdone by AMEX, Visa now offers a black card as well. It’s not titanium like the AMEX card, but it’s some kind of carbon compound, not plastic, or at least not wholly plastic. Today, one day shy of my 59th birthday, I received a pre-approved offer in the mail for a Visa Black Card.

This, to the guy who openly stated last week that he wished to downgrade to an ordinary green AMEX card and a plain old blue Visa. If there were a devil, this might be what he would do. “Just how serious are you Mr. Ray? Wouldn’t you just like to flaunt how successful you’ve become to people? Don’t you like having people look at you with that little extra bit of respect? How about it? The Black Visa is only $495 per year, $195 extra per year for the little woman. What do you say?”
I have one thing to say to that Devil. “What success? I’m a Chicago Public School teacher for goodness sakes, and I don’t make a penny off this stupid blog. My wife is a writer. Think we’re getting rich? The only way we live as we do is the fact that we don’t have kids. And who are you referring to as ‘the little lady’ buster? And $690 per year for what? A credit card that has a higher credit limit and a couple of percs thrown in? Get thee out Satan!”
However, that’s not really what I intended to write about tonight. What I really intended to blather on about is the fact that a friend (who shall remain nameless) observed that I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time bemoaning the fact that Chicago lost the 2016 Olympics to Rio, or going on about Black Cards and stuff, and not spending nearly enough time taking right-wing nuts to task for making a big deal out of President Obama going to Copenhagen to pitch the Olympics bid in the company of Chicago Mayor Daley and Oprah and assorted others.
I thought about this and perhaps she was right. (Oops. Now you know the person in question was female, but still nameless. However, if you narrow it down to 35-40 of my closest Facebook friends, well you get the picture.) I may be guilty of dereliction of duty as a card carrying liberal blogger. You know what this means. Don’t you? Really.
This is a job for Liberal Man! Faster than a speeding NRA bullet. More powerful than a right-wing talk radio host. Able to leap tall Republicans with the aid of a trampoline. It’s Liberal Man! Stand in awe ye right wing cretins! Welcome to the Amazing Adventures of Liberal Man1
When last we left Liberal Man he was being beset by right-wingers claiming the President has better things to do than go off to Copenhagen and try to sell the IOC on Chicago as a site for the 2016 Olympics. “There is the National Healthcare debate. There is the War in Afghanistan. We still have troops in Iraq. Iran is building nukes. National unemployment is at 9.8%. The President has embarassed our nation on the international stage.”
Liberal Man strokes his chin hairs in thought. “Well maybe you have a point….”
A voice is heard from the audience, “Wait Liberal Man. Don’t waffle. You must be strong. Remember that seeing both sides is like kryptonite to all liberals. Step up. Show your cajones. Well, don’t show them exactly. That would be gross, but let it be known that you have them.”
Liberal Man hears the voice. He shakes off his revery. He speaks. “Where were you clowns when the previous President was clearing brush in Crawford, Texas? Where were you when Dick Cheney was busy selling the country to the corporate interests? Where were you when the government oversight of industry was being gutted and that led to the near collapse of the economy? Whap! Bam! Thwap! Besides, what’s bad about the President trying to convince the world that the U.S.A. is a good place to hold the Olympics? Furthermore, I believe he conferred with several heads of state while he was there and spoke with NATO Generals about the war in Afghanistan. What have you done to help the country in the last couple of days?Had another affair with one of your campaign worker bimbos, much to the chagrin of your wife and supporters? Gotten yourself addicted to yet more prescription pain killers? Whack! Blammo! Pow!
Liberal Man has them on the ropes ladies and gentlemen. It’s looking good. No wait! The right has snuck up from behind and unleashed a sneak attack…”Take that Liberal Man! We know you once called yourself a Socialist. We know you once smoked marijuana at a party, and inhaled, (Gasp!)…”
Liberal Man is reeling ladies and gentlemen (No he hasn’t been smoking marijuana. Hasn’t done that in years and years.) Will he recover? Will he break the choke hold of Right Wing Nut? Stay tuned to this same channel to find out. This has been the Amazing Adventures of Liberal Man. And now for a word from our sponsor.
This program was brought to you by Cursory Cleaning Services, for those times when half-assed is good enough. Cursory Cleaning. “Nobody really looks that close, do they?”

3 responses to “The Amazing Adventures of Liberal Man

  1. Oh that is so funny – what an interesting bday 'gift'! The timing! Go on, show off a little – wouldn't you like to flash one of those cards around town? Actually, all you have to do to really show off, if you are so inclined, is mention your absolutely fabulous address. Far more impressive in my book than any card you might carry.Goooo Liberal Man! I'm betting on you! Hang in there, you will recover, the future is bright!!!And happy birthday Mr. Ray!!

  2. Funny thing. I really don't have a Liberal Card, though I may have one made now. I do, however, carry a genuine ACLU member card in my wallet, and my Chicago Teachers Union and American Federation of Teachers cards. I believe I'm a registered member of the Democratic Party too, but I don't have a card for that. Those will have to do in the meantime. Liberal Man will be back to fight another day, just not on a birthday. Back with another edition tomorrow. For now I hear a glass of red wine calling my name.

  3. Oops. In the light of day I now realize that Lori was referring to the black card that Visa offered me, and not my liberal card. What was I thinking? Not much, apparently. As Emily Patilla of SNL would have said, "Never mind."

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